DREAMS, WHO DOESN’T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THEM RIGHT? WHY IS IT THAT THEY CAN BE THE BIGGEST SOURCE OF JOY IN YOUR MARRIAGE AND AT THE VERY SAME TIME, A POINT OF CONTENTION AND CONFLICT TOO? FUNNY, HOW SOMETHING SO WONDERFUL CAN BE SO HARD TO AGREE ON.
Well before you met that wonderful man or woman you are married to they were a dream too weren’t they? In your heart of hearts you fully expected to meet and marry someone who had the exact same life plan and wishes as you, right? Wrong! You knew deep down that they would have dreams that differ from you, after all you are not going to marry yourself, how boring would that be? LOL!!! Still we imagine that in a perfect marriage we both get all our wishes met and never get in the way of the others ambitions or hopes. Is this even the way God intended a goldly marriage to be? I am writing this because I don’t think he did! Now before we go on I need to say, there is a big difference between dreams and calling. Our calling is given to us from God and that is another subject entirely. Sometimes we need God’s help to distinguish between our dreams and our callings.
So what happens when that prince or princess of yours suddenly has a dream that interferes with your plan? Well, in typical marriages, a war ensues. Both begin to push for their own view of what is important and in the end many either just get bitter or decide to go their own way and the marriage is over.
I think we have many scriptures to help us discover Gods view on the subject.
He said, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” Luke 6:31, right? He also said love your neighbor as you love yourself, Matthew 22:36-40. I don’t know about you but I love my baby much more than my neighbor! So, why can it hurt so much when he wants something that hinders my wants and dreams? It hurts because, I am selfish in my nature and I need God’s help to be like Him and choose others above myself. If I am fighting for my husband’s dreams and he is fighting for my dreams, we are both going to end up being happier in the end. When we do it God’s way, we do not become bitter and angry and apart. We are pulled together by our selflessness and ambition for each other, not apart by our inner drive to have what we want when we want it! It is so much easier said than done friends! I am fighting to learn this in my marriage right now. After eight years of marriage, we have learned a lot about our similarities and differences. Sometimes what he wants doesn’t mesh with what I have planned or am hoping for. There have been times when I really messed it up. I fought hard for what I wanted, and usually got it. I got it at the cost of him feeling plowed over and disrespected and it came back to bite me later. On the other hand, in those times when I put my wishes on the back burner and chose what he needed, God blessed that and made sure I had what I needed too. Also more often than not, my man was so much more willing to fight for what he knew I wanted and I usually ended up with better things when I chose him. When he chooses me and I choose him, not only are we more likely to get what we want, we are drawn together and closer to God.
The thing that usually really distinguishes newlyweds and married folks is the newlyweds can only think about how to make their spouse smile and give them what they want and need. Why does it change? One of us starts it and the other follows suit. We convince ourselves that worldly ideals are true. We say things like, “if I don’t fight for my dreams, no one will!” That may feel true but a marriage that stays “Better than newlyweds” is one where his needs stay in priority and you live, to love, to please him! Let us be the one that chooses to put our spouse above our wants. God will fight for us when we live the way he asks us to. 1 Corinthians 13:4-9 (NIV) “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” The Lord tells us that love is “not self seeking” so I think that answers our question.
So shall we make it practical? Let’s say you have a budget…. Ahh money! One of the things that really stretches us in life. So we have an extra fifty bucks in the budget for whatever. He wants to take a martial arts class and you want to take Zumba…. What do you do? I would love to hear your comments. Let’s hear your experiences on this topic and start a conversation. Thanks for reading . I pray that God gives you the desires of your heart and helps you to love your spouse better and more selflessly than ever before.