I am determined to not be the couple married for 30 years that doesn’t talk anymore because it’s “easier” I want to be the couple who talks through hard things so that the next 30 years of being married is easy! Sure, there will always be ups and downs and bumps in the road along the way. I want to make sure that they are just bumps and not road blocks in our marriage.
In my own marriage I try very hard to be open with my husband and share with him if something is bothering me. We have both worked very hard over our short 5 years of marriage to become better listeners and to put each other first. It has not been easy but it is getting easier. Sometimes it feels like it might be too hard and that maybe just not talking about something we need to address would be easier. That is a lie from the pit of hell disguised as “keeping the peace”.
I have learned that the only way my sweet husband can really know what is going on in my head or my heart is if I tell him. He is not a mind reader. Therefore, it is up to me to tell him if he has hurt my feelings or upset me in some way. And no… giving him the silent treatment or withholding sex are not biblical options. The way to deal with conflict as Christians is simple… but boy do we complicate it oh so much!
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Matthew 18:15
So, what the Bible is saying is that when my husband upsets me I should go and talk it over with a girlfriend and figure out what to do? …No. I should go first to my husband and we should talk and figure out what to do. {Sidenote: This also means that if I am the girlfriend someone comes to talk to about their husband I should send her home to talk to her husband.} The last part of that verse says “if he listens”… I think listening is the beginning of Love.
I always find acronyms helpful. So, here we go.
LOVE
L – Listen
O – Observe
V – Validate
E – Express
Listening is the beginning of Love because it takes sacrifice and shows the other person you are willing to make the time investment in your relationship because they are worth it. It might require that you put down your cell phone, turn off the tv, or both, while you lock yourselves in a room to talk and really listen and hear one another.
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” James 1:19
Observation should take place while we are being “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger”. While you are listening you should also be looking. Look for signs your spouse may not be sharing all they need to share. Or maybe it is obvious that something is bothering them… if so then ask them! A lot is said with facial expressions and body language.
Validation should come after you have listened and observed. Let them know that you heard them and that their feelings are valid. This can be hard because how they feel may not have been your intention or even fully your fault but their feelings are still valid either way. If I have hurt my husband, even if on accident, his hurt feelings are still valid.
Expressing Love and concern should come naturally at the close of an intense conversation about hurt feelings or misunderstandings. But what might not come natural is expressing your desire to help them if you can. Let them know that you are willing to not only Love them with your words but also with your deeds.
“let us love not in word or speech but in deed and truth.” 1 John 3:18
The most important thing we can express is forgiveness. Jesus expressed His Love for us on the cross and made forgiveness available to us all. Let us not hold grudges or unforgiveness in our hearts but instead forgive like the Lord.
“Bearing with one another, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13
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