Choosing to Love First | Better Than Newlyweds | Guest Blogger Jacinta Huang

January 2, 2017 by Mrs. Hudson

Psalm 32:8

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”

Dear Wives,

How has your day been? Did you have a good conversation with your husband? Have you managed to enjoy some downtime together after work?

This message has been weighing heavily on my heart these past few weeks. The message on choosing to love first. I pray for God to speak to you through these words as I type, knowing that only the Holy Spirit can convict and move our hearts.

He came home happily from work. There was dinner on the table, and he was about to change out from his work clothes so he could play with our baby daughter, Ellie. It was one of those typical days. Nothing very special about it. I cannot remember what happened after that, but there was a miscommunication of sorts, and I just snapped.

Yes, I was tired out from taking care of Ellie and yes, he may have been in the wrong.

But in that moment, I was annoyed and frustrated, very desperate for a bath, and so I snapped.

I was wrong too.

He was upset with me.

I was upset with myself too.

I berated myself with thoughts like, “Why can’t I just get this wife thing right? Why do I always feel like a lousy wife? Couldn’t I be more patient?”

But other thoughts would come up to counter these guilty feelings. “Why can’t he just learn to communicate better? Haven’t we read enough books or learned enough over the years? Why must I be the one to apologize first?”

Wives, can you relate?

When we are married to another imperfect person, why do we become surprised when their imperfections show? After all, we are full of sin and weaknesses too.

It is a choice that I’ve learned to constantly make. It does not matter who was right – that discussion can be done at a later time. But in every heated moment, there comes a choice that we must make – are you going to love first?

Choosing to Love First

When you love first, love becomes the priority, not whether he knows you were right all along.

When you love first, you give him the space to be an imperfect person. He does not feel the pressure to change, and he knows he is loved unconditionally by you.

When you make that powerful decision to love first, you are training your heart to be more like Christ. After all, Christ demonstrated such unmatchable love for us – by choosing to sacrifice and love us first.

The next time that you get into a tense moment with your husband, take a quiet moment with the Lord and pray for strength to love first. Reach out to touch his hand, look into his eyes and before you speak, remember the man you fell in love with. Believe that he is giving his best too, just like you. Take that step towards his heart, and know that God will instruct you in what to say for reconciliation to take place. 🙂

Smile, and reconnect.

Extend grace.

Endure the uncomfortable feelings knowing that there is a greater reward on the other side.

Don’t miss the great wisdom that God wants you to witness through your obedience to love first.

Rest in the peace of knowing that you are exactly where you should be – in the loving arms of God, loving the one you have vowed to be there for, in good times and in bad.

Will you choose to fight for your marriage and love first today? I’m right there with you sister, and I am rooting for you.

In tough times choose unity | Better Than Newlyweds | Guest Blogger: Ailie Baumann

October 17, 2016 by Mrs. Hudson

In tough times choose unity over anger and blame

Unity in marriage is probably one of the best strategies to fireproof your marriage. In the midst of tough times, it becomes easy to get angry with our spouse, jump on the blame wagon or get caught up in the enemy’s attacks.

Of course, the enemy does come to steal, kill and destroy. He is after our families and marriages. However, I would rather focus on keeping a united front with my husband in tough times than give the enemy attention.

Why do I say this? Because one of the best ways to engage in spiritual warfare is to remain in unity with your spouse. Plus, I love being on the receiving end of God’s blessings.

How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!…For there the Lord bestows his blessing, even life forevermore. Psalm 133:1, 3b

This Psalm is one of my favorites. I love the picture the psalmist used to describe unity. It’s part of our worship to the Lord.

This week God really began speaking to me about unity. My hubby and I have been facing a tough financial year. A couple of weeks ago we found out that our finances were back to where they were in March this year. I felt all our efforts had been for naught.

Still, I wasn’t as confronted with the importance of unity until Wednesday night. I was heading for prayer meeting at my church when I got fined by the cops for not renewing my car license (Grrrr). I don’t know who I was angrier at myself, my husband or God.

As I sat watching a testimony being played off YouTube the Lord gently said to me:

Don’t partner with anger or blame; it will break your unity. Keep a united front with Sean.

Immediately, my anger dissolved. Being angry or trying to blame wasn’t going to solve anything. I messaged my hubby and told him that I didn’t want to partner with anger or blame. We are a team and together we will come through our tough times.

Ok. I admit. This week we still had a quarrel so this is a work in progress. That being said, I am aware of unity in our marriage. The more united we are with our spouse, the more our homes are filled with peace, joy, and kindness.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

At the end of the day, speaking to our spouse in anger doesn’t accomplish much. I can’t think of one example in my marriage where anger accomplished anything helpful. No. All anger has done is put a rift between me and my husband. Kindness, gentleness, and genuine encouragement serve to keep our hearts connected to each other.

When we present a united front to the world we enter a “force field” of godly protection. Life and the enemy can shoot darts at us but they merely bounce off hitting the ground ineffective and useless. Hurray.

Our marriages thrive in unity. Fun, flirting and joy echoes through your home causing your children to giggle or shake their ends in amusement at their love struck parents. Secretly, your children’s hearts are warmed at the love and security unity brings to them. Choose today to partner with God and choose unity.

How to be a Trustworthy Wife | Stacy Hudson | Better Than Newlyweds

October 10, 2016 by Mrs. Hudson

Don’t you want to be a trustworthy wife? I know I do. I want my husband to know he can trust me and depend on me just like I trust and depend on him. We are a team. God is our coach. (Cheesy yes… but also true.)

” The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.” Proverbs 31:11-12

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I have read this verse many time before in my lifetime but this last time I read it God kept it in my mind. I kept thinking about the part where he would have “no lack of gain.” Who wouldn’t want that for their husbands right? I want that for him so badly because he works so hard. What hit me this time was the part that came before it, the precursor if you will to the “no lack of gain” part, was about me.

This got me thinking and asking questions. It made me take a personal inventory. Does this mean that if my husband can’t trust me he will have lack and no gain? Does this mean if he lacks confidence in me that that will result in lack? What can I do to earn his trust and confidence? How can I be a trustworthy wife? The very next verse answers that question.

She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life. Proverbs 31:12

He will trust me when I do him good and not evil. He will have confidence in me when I encourage and help him. The trustworthy wife seeks to do him good all the days of her life.

As much as we might want it to the Bible doesn’t say “the husband who is constantly corrected or put down by his wife will have no lack of gain” …it says the opposite! The Bible brings up “nagging” (or similar words) several times. That means we should take note and then take inventory of our motives.

Better to live on the corner of a roof
than to share a house with a nagging wife. Proverbs 21:9

Better to live in a wilderness
than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife. Proverbs 21:19

And another repetition…which means “pay attention”

Better to live on the corner of a roof

than to share a house with a nagging wife. Proverbs 25:24

I do not think most wives “nag” on purpose. I think the majority of us truly want our husbands to do well and feel that we can help them if they would only listen to us. If that is not your motivation I would beg you to search your heart and ask God to help you in that area.

In order to be a trustworthy wife we must acknowledge that God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His plans greater than our plans.

What if we are hindering our husbands instead of helping? What if we are also hindering ourselves?

What if we realized that our help comes from God so we should let God be our husband’s help as well?!? We would see that in giving up that control and the need to fix him and put him down the path we want for him…not only would he gain freedom but we would gain freedom as well. It was never God’s intention our husband’s choices to sit on our shoulders. When we give that up and give it to God… it is in His hands and it is on Him to bring the “no lack of gain”to pass.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Psalm 121

My Help Comes from the Lord
A Song of Ascents.

121 I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord is your keeper;
the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
8 The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

If I am always seeking God’s heart my husband’s heart is safe and he can trust me. If I always look to God for my help then my husband can trust me.

If I am always seeking God’s heart my husband’s heart is safe and he can trust me.

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My friend Ailie from www.p3alive.com shared with me how she fights for her husband’s heart and how her husband can trust her when God is her anchor. She is a trusthworthy wife because she draws he strength and peace from God.

I fight for my husband’s heart by running to Jesus. It doesn’t matter how different we are in our spiritual views. The more I am in God’s presence the more equipped I am to love deeply, extend utmost respect and treat his heart sensitively. God is my anchor. He keeps me steady. This is where my hubby can find himself trusting me. I can handle life because God handles me. Instead of being caught up in the whirlwinds of circumstances, my hubby can lean into the peace and strength God brings to me and also to him through me.

A trustworthy wife is the crown of her husband

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4

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I want to be the crown of my husband. I do not want to bring him shame and rottenness in his bones. There is no middle ground and no grey area. The options are clear but that doesn’t mean the choice is easy. It is hard to give up control when we love them so much. It is hard to give up what we desire for them because we care so much. However, I think that is exactly why we must give up control. So, maybe the choice isn’t that hard after all?

Reviving the Intimacy in Your Marriage | Stacy Hudson | Better Than Newlyweds

September 12, 2016 by Mrs. Hudson

Reviving the intimacy in your marriage was probably not something you thought about when you were newlyweds. Let’s be honest, at the start of a marriage the endorphins are pumping and all is right in the world. The pressures of the outside world don’t affect a marriage as much in the beginning. Somewhere along the way things change. At some point “Look he left his socks on the floor! He is such an adorable mess!” changes to “SOCKS! on the floor! AGAIN!”. And the same thing happens with whatever things our husbands saw as cute in the beginning.

As simple as socks on the floor may sound…this issue… compounded with other more serious issues (that arise as a marriage progresses) can affect the intimacy in a marriage. I am not just talking about sex. I am talking about every level of intimacy. The bills pile up or the kids are all sick and suddenly you realize you and your husband have not had a moment alone in weeks. You notice that you can’t even remember the last time you held his hand or even asked him how his day was. Some intimacy has slipped away.

Intimacy slips away sometimes because of things we can’t control and other times because of things we can control.

Intimacy slips away when the kids are sick or someone has to work overtime. It also slips when we choose to spend time on our phones/computers or with friends rather than our spouse. Kids getting sick or work are things we can’t usually control. How we spend our time, on the other hand, is something we can control.

It is important to establish habits, boundaries, and expectations that will revive the intimacy in your marriage.

Using a tool such as *Covenant Eyes to set up healthy boundaries and build trust is a good place to start. {*I have included my affiliate link here because I really believe you could benefit from it}

My husband and I are blessed. We both have had a tremendous example set for us by our parents who have been married over 40 years. One expectation or boundary we learned from our parents is to “never go to bed angry”. Before we got married I never thought much about this line my mom would say often. Because, after all, we didn’t fight… ever really. I know now that THAT was the all the endorphins pumping.

After we got married I realized why she said it so much. It is such a simple yet important thing for a marriage. If we had not had this expectation/boundary in place early in our marriage I know that our relationship would not be what it is now. I know that our communication and intimacy level would have suffered because of a lack of communication and intimacy when we needed it most. I am excited to share with you some more marriage insight from my amazing mom.

I remember when our kids were young they each had had activities they were involved in. I was always on the road getting them where they needed to be. They were all playing ball one summer and all on different teams. That was a busy summer. They also had piano lessons ,gymnastics, and sports during the school year. I was totally involved in keeping it all going. The kids had become the real focus of my life. I didn’t realize I had neglected my husband and our marriage.

One night my husband and I talked all night and shared our feelings. He felt neglected. I was so busy with the kids that I didn’t have any energy to put into our marriage. We needed to reconnect as husband and wife. We needed to work together to keep things on an even keel. We needed to save energy and time for our marriage. We needed to make each other a priority again. That was a turning point in our lives. We have been married 42 years in October. Our children are grown and have good lives. We have 2 grand daughters and life is good. We are very happy. I am thankful for that long night many years ago when we took time out to work on our marriage. Thank God we did.

I am thankful for that long night many years ago too. Because my parents made the choice to invest in their marriage I am reaping the benefits in my marriage. And now our daughter will reap the benefits of their choice as well. It is a powerful thing to see generation after generation not just still married after 40 years but also still in Love.

I am blessed to have an online friend across the globe in South Africa. Ailie Baumann writes at www.p3alive.com. I asked her to share about the issue of intimacy in her marriage. I am always so blessed when those who have been married longer than we have share their wisdom. The Bible does instruct us to teach young women right? I do my best to learn… and to teach…because at my age I am stuck somewhere in the middle.

“Older women likewise are to be… teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored” (Titus 2:3-5).

Ailie shared with me that…

“About four years ago, I was confronted with the lack of intimacy in my marriage. I saw that my husband needed encouragement and affirmation. Our middle boy was only a few months old at the time. That Christmas, God led me to a random Christian blog post that talked about an intimacy box. This lady used it more for sexual intimacy as a way to save her marriage from divorce. My marriage was far from divorce but I still felt God prompt me to create my own intimacy box for my husband as a Christmas present.

I went and got several trinkets and goodies for foot spas, massage, coffee at home and some of my hubby’s favourites. I wrote him a love letter and told him I was committing to give him 30 days of intimacy.

At first I was adamant about 30 consecutive days, hubby had other ideas. Seeing my heart and loving me for it, he told me to just give him 30 days even if they weren’t consecutive. The results were incredible. Our hearts bonded deeper with each other. I learned much about sacrificial love. After several weeks, my hubby began to reciprocate back. The result was a deeper level of intimacy and deeper friendship. It truly was a God-idea.

What an amazing thing to do for her husband. I know that at the beginning of our marriage I left more sweet notes for my husband. I know we both did more thoughtful things. It is not that we care any less about each other now… it’s just our minds are consumed with other thoughts. And even though they are good thoughts, mostly about our daughter, it affects our intimacy. I want our daughter to reap the same benefits I am because we decided to invest in our marriage. I want us to be better than when we were newlyweds. That isn’t just some cute name I came up with for my blog. It is the cry of my heart for our marriage…for every marriage. I can leave more notes. I can make more of an effort. I think we all can. And I think it will be worth it.

Can we “affair proof” our marriages? | Stacy Hudson | Better Than Newlyweds

September 5, 2016 by Mrs. Hudson

Affairs have ruined too many marriages. When I sit and think about how many people I know who have an affair affect their marriage… I just shake my head. It hurts my heart. I know it hurts God’s heart as well. That is not His plan or design for marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a sacred bond that no one can infiltrate. How does an affair happen? Can we “affair proof” our marriages?

My husband and I have had a conversation about “affair proofing” our marriage. We talked about ways we could protect ourselves from going down that road and eventually falling off the cliff that is surely at the end. One thing we decided was that we always need to be open with each other. This means that our phones, email accounts, and bank accounts are an open book. This is one of the many reasons we have a shared bank account. We are one… and we try to live in a way that keeps us together as much as possible.

My friend Wil Addison (Host of Airing the Addison’s at American Family Association) makes a good point about family and favor from the Lord:

“Men there is safety in family. Family provides joy, stability, true love, accomplishment, wealth and yes freedom. For a man to step out on his wife and abandon his family it’s equivalent to a man having great wealth and riches only to willingly give all of it away to another.

You want favor seek the Lord for a wife.

You desire safety and stability have kids with that wife and love and nurture them.

Two scriptures for your consideration:

Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.”

Psalm 127:3-5 “Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.

When dealing with marital issues that are heavier than usual I like to get advice from friends who have been married longer than us. We have learned a lot in our almost 6 years of marriage but I know there are those who have much to teach and that we have much to learn. My friend Ailie (www.p3alive.com) shared these thoughts with me:

Many a husband carries the weight of the world on their shoulders. Coming home to a family that is safe, peaceful, and accepting creates a safety net for your husband. A place where he can be himself. A place for him to relax and rest. It refreshes his soul and spurs him on to greater heights

I used to think that creating a place of safety for my husband involved a house that was sparkling clean. Over the years I have realized that while a clean house helps with stress, my husband needed something deeper from me. Here are my three tips to creating a safe place for your beloved:

1. Understanding – Often my husband needs me to be understanding of where he is at. Sometimes our husbands come home processing deadlines, meetings, and other stressors. In that moment, I find myself being prodded by the Lord to be understanding of where my man is at before I ramble my five thousand words for the day.

2. Loads of fun – Fun for a man can be food for his soul. It counters the stress they are under from the day. It transforms them into laughing, smiling men. Laugh at his jokes, smile at him when you get the chance, flirt with him (even in front of your kids).

3. Respect and affirmation – Find ways to affirm your husband and show him how much you respect and appreciate the man that he is. This may be in love letters on his pillow, his study, or in his car. Respect to a man is as important as love is to a woman. Speak proudly of him everywhere you go. Accept his flaws and choose to see past them. See the man that God has made him to be. Show him his value and his worth.

The enemy does not want your marriage to succeed. Sadly, the world is not cheering you on my either. Everywhere you look there are tv shows and images that do not promote a healthy and Godly marriage. Another way you can protect your relationship is by setting up filters. I believe in CovenantEyes as a way to easily do this for you and your family. I believe in it so much that I am willing to be an affiliate for them and share this link with you. I believe anything that aims to keep pure things in front of our eyes will help our marriages.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

Wanting to “affair proof” our marriages might seem a bit extreme to some. However, if we are going to be extreme about anything shouldn’t it be our marriage/family?

Wives, can you relate?

Choosing to Love First

In tough times choose unity over anger and blame

In order to be a trustworthy wife we must acknowledge that God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His plans greater than our plans.

A trustworthy wife is the crown of her husband

Intimacy slips away sometimes because of things we can’t control and other times because of things we can control.

It is important to establish habits, boundaries, and expectations that will revive the intimacy in your marriage.

AFFILIATE DISCLOSURE